Jared is known for his quick wit and humor, check out some of his funniest quotes aka “Jaredisms”!

Jared is stalling while Dale is putting him to bed, so Trish said…
Trish: Jared, can you hurry it up? I would like to talk to Dad sometime tonight.
Jared: Mommmm, you’ll get him, when you get him!

Jared: There goes the guy that Dad gave the swear finger to!

Jared and Zach are playing hide and seek.
Jared: Zach, I can see you, I’m not deaf!

Trish told Jared that she’s cleaning the fridge and that Dale and her were going to Wegmans and BJ’s.
Jared: Oh, going on a little date night?
Me: Grocery shopping is not date night.
Jared: It’s old people date night.

Jared: Hey Dad, only one more day of school for me left.
Trish: No, they said you can come all week and work on your math.
Jared: NOOOOOOOO…never!

Zach is hungry after eating.
Jared: I’m excited, he is eating more and will turn into me. Oooooh, now he went outside to play basketball, now he isn’t going to eat like me.

Wrestling with Zach, Zach keeps putting his feet on Jared.
Jared: Mommy, can I break his foot?
Trish: Sure!
Jared: OK, I wanted to be good today till you turned me into a snot…Zachaarryyyy!

Working at the dining room table and Trish asked Jared if he could get her the stool for her feet.
Jared: “What do you think this is the spa or something!?”

Driving to Zach’s baseball game on North Greece Road, a little boy ran out in front of our car twice for a soccer ball.
Jared: They should get invisible fence and dog collars for those kids!

Talking about going to Zach’s baseball cookout next week.
Trish: The girls softball teams will be there.
Jared: Mom, I’m not about looking at the ladies.
Who is he kidding…

While sitting at school waiting for Zach’s bus from his 8th grade trip he says…
Jared: Now Mommy, you better not get stuck talking I’m tired.

Jared yells from the family room “oh sh*t!”
Trish: “Jared, please watch your mouth!”
Jared: “Wasn’t me, I’m sleeping!”

Trish used the track my iPhone app to see how far Dale was in his trip home from Connecticut…
Jared: MOM! What are you doing? You stalker!

Jared: Mom, don’t mock me…don’t question the awesomeness!

Trish: Jared, what happened to your science homework?
Jared: It’s still in the toilet!

Jared: Mommy, you are my best mom ever.

Jared was starting summer school the next day, like every other year. No one was talking about it, he just yelled from the other room.
Jared: Ya know, Zachy really wanted to watch me all summer!

Talking about Murphy tearing up Cooper’s farmer toy.
Jared: Murphy decapitated the farmer! That cost an arm and a leg!
Zach: I’m proud of Jared his joke actually makes sense this time.

Trish: Hi Jared, how are you today?
Jared: Sweet and fancy.
Trish: Ha, sweet and fancy huh?
Jared: Sweet and sexy.

Talking about Tricia’s mom.
Jared: I didn’t tell her, I didn’t want her to be mad at you.
Trish: Mad at you?
Jared: No you, I wouldn’t want your mom to yell at you.
Trish: Thanks! Did you know that I don’t really like to be mad at you? But being your mom, I have to sometimes.
Jared: Well, you do what you have to do sometimes.
Gotta love him

Jared is in bed and someone on the street over is shooting off fireworks.
Jared: Wow, almost crapped my pants on that one!
Jared: Damn, Daniel!
Jared: Damn, Dale!
Jared: That’s loud! Enough of YOU fireworks!

Jared rings his doorbell to let us know he is up.
Trish (to Dale): Let me go first, he will be mad it’s me and not you.
Trish (busts open the door): Morning!
Jared: Can I have Daddy?
Dale: Hahaha!

Trish: Jared, I made you strawberry shortcake.
Jared: For what?
Trish: It’s your favorite and I missed you and of course because I’m the best mom!
Jared: Well…I’ll have to think about that.
Trish: Well…I’ll have it to eat it then!

Jared is talking with Dale about going to the bathroom.
Jared: My tank is empty. I got nothing to squirt. I’m out of ammo.

Jared and Zach have been told that Trish doesn’t like when they say “What are we going to eat?” the second she comes in the door.
Jared: Soooo, what are we going to chew?

Zach is explaining to us how his final was. Dr Tisa reads us a paragraph in Spanish and we had to pick the correct answer.
Jared: I would have read it in English.
Trish: It was a Spanish exam!
Jared: Ooooohhhhh.

Jared is on the internet in his room and yells…
Jared: Somebody tell me how to spell big bra!

Trish tells Jared about her bad dream.
Trish: There was this really scary person chasing me.
Jared: At least you got some exercise in your dream.

Trish walks into the room.
Jared: Hey.
Trish: Who are you talking to?
Jared: My ball, the purple one Zach won for me. I love my ball. Hey ball!

Jared: Mom, aren’t you going to shower before everyone gets here? Your hair looks good though, it’s not all crazy like it usually is in the morning!
He’s lucky he is cute!

Jared: We should move to Texas.
Trish: Why?
Jared: You could become friends with Chip and Jo (from the show Fixer Upper) and they could re-do our house and all my exes live in Texas.

Trish takes Jared to the foot doctor for an ingrown toenail.
Doctor: I’m going to try without a shot this time, it doesn’t look too bad, just tell me if it hurts and I will stop.
Jared (goes to hold Trish’s hand): I might swear!
Doctor: That’s ok, I’ve heard them all, unless you have some new ones, I’d love to learn them!
There was no swearing, all ended ok!

Jared: When is Terry’s birthday, you know, Dad’s boss? When it’s his birthday, we should call him an old bag. Wasn’t it funny when he called you that, Mom?

Jared hands Trish his urinal.
Jared: Here’s some bodily fluid for you, Mom!

Jared and Trish went to dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings.
Jared: Sorry Mom if my toots smell like chicken wing sauce!

Jared comes in from school and Murphy is sniffing him like crazy.
Jared: Murph! There are no dogs at school, or snakes!

Jared and Trish are at Olympia waiting for Zach’s bus from baseball.
Jared: Here is the bus.
Trish: No, this is the girl’s bus.
Jared: Hotties!
Jared begins counting the girls and the next bus comes.
Jared: More hotties!